43

He’s back at last in one piece or I’m not sure if I can say that.
A had a good time with her grandparents, going to Disneyland once and enjoyed being the only grand-daughter.
Apparently M still wasn’t the kind of mom A needed but at least she tried and won’t ask for her company any time soon so K can have some peace.
A is a lucky girl b/c her dad loves her more than anyone else and he is ready to give her whatever she needs, poor my K. He looked like a real mess at the airport all I wanted to do was to hug him and carry him to bed, alas he’s a proud guy and don’t want that much affection in public and I’m not a demonstrative type of guy when it comes to emotions.
I wish there was a way I could help him, there isn’t.
Fortunately he is sleeping right now but that wont make his pale face look any better or his fragile frame cover with some fat. I can’t believe he managed losing 2 more pounds to reach the 136 lbs goal. it’s just 2 hours since he arrived and proudly he vomited all the meals he never had. There is nothing to lose so he simply pukes the little water remained in his body.
Whatever, he did all the shopping for the following months, A got a long ride on daddy’s backpack and I can spend the rest of the day unpacking and washing.
K opened his eyes and is staring at me like a recently hatched demon, better go join him on the bed.
I’m so happy they are back

42

There are questions I keep asking myself yet I don’t know the answer.
K added me to his blog and confused me to some extent wondering whether I wanted to write again or not, I don’t want attention or traffic and I was pretty fine with the very few people visiting the blog once in a while, just thinking so many strangers coming and going freak me out. Fortunately there ain’t any interesting thing here so once checked not many would return that means I go on what I was doing; at least I realized with so many things happened in my life since last year, I only mentioned a few so I have to try harder.
I have a week on my own to breathe and think b/c living with K is like being in a marathon, a never ending run and it’s not what I’ve been used to most of my life.
So 33, pretty in the middle of some life road I am standing now but is it what I wanted?
I’m not an ambitious kind of person, I like things simple, normal, accepted by the society, the boring conservative guy shown in many movies. So my goals were clear: a house, a car,a good job, kid(s), insurance,a happy marriage, a caring wife, respect in the neighborhood and an investment for rainy days.
3 years ago I was almost there, proud of myself, living and leading a simple life with no fuss, life was boring and steady, working like a clock in a machine-like kind of life; sleep, work, tv, dinner, more tv and some time with friends drinking and gambling, sleep and all happened again.
I thought my life machine was well-oiled and moving steady so I didn’t pay too much attention when one of the gears stopped working, then more gears stopped working and what I got in the end was a useless pile of scrap.
My entire world collapsed when I found my wife sleeping with some other guy who earned more money but wasn’t that great. Being all redneck I couldn’t stand it and asked her to either file for divorce or quit seeing that guy right away, she chose the former and left me with half of the things I once owned that were bought with my hard work.
I was never a fighter so I found leaving and quitting much easier. I moved to some secluded house in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by ice most of the year, I didn’t even try to live with my sister.
It was like playing a game that I was no longer part of it and I didn’t care any more. My only dream of having a perfect normal boring family was over, time was up and nothing left except ruins of a marriage that meant everything to me. I wanted to have it “until death make us apart”, I planned to live my life with her and she changed her mind. I know I wasn’t Mr.Perfect with terrible drinking habits that got worse after divorce but she was no Ms. Perfect either.

Thanks to G for being there and making me realize life went on without the things I used to have and I had to live it to the fullest and enjoy it so I made my mind to stay single and live a new life with new goals.

I never thought of finding someone else to share my life with again besides I was never good at dating with women and I never thought of guys, labeling myself gay was too much for a boring guy like me.

When I first met K and his family, I thought about the things I lost for no obvious reason but seeing one happy family every once in a while was enough for a change in my dull life.

I still can’t figure out why my marriage didn’t last long, it sounds silly but probably I was gay without knowing it.

So I’m here again, 3 years passed, I can see the wrinkles here and there, new white hairs say hello every now and then and I wear glasses to read things all telling me the good happy days of youth are over and now I have to think of myself as a middle-aged man, I still want to think of my childhood view of life so what I have now?
a house (yes I have it shared with my lover), a car (there’s no need for that b/c there are plenty of cabs here and it is much cheaper),a good job (yes, I like what I do), kid(yes we have A and she’s hell of a kid), insurance (yes),a happy marriage( hope so), a caring wife (?!? yes and no)
So the only different thing is the wife part. Honestly I never thought my life-time partner would be a guy, I’m not complaining though.

There ain’t much to say when you’re the same boring person and you’re married to Mr. Disaster. At least life is no longer boring or dull and I have just 4 lonely days that shall pass.

41

K called me to say he arrived in one piece, good. I miss him a lot, no skeleton on the bed to make me feel warm!

40

Happy birthday to me. I’m 33 and too old now.
K arranged a fishing party (it could be fun if he were here) that I canceled b/c nothing is fun without my beloved K. I gave him Hershey’s Kiss for the father’s day and he looked more than happy but I saw the sad look on his face as he mentioned A not being there and eating his chocolates.
He got me a nice chain for the birthday and watercolors & brushes for father’s day, he’s my favorite man.
He flew to Boston to see his family then gonna go to NYC to meet his brothers and he will pick up baby A on his way back. I knew he couldn’t live without A yet he couldn’t let himself be the selfish guy and not let A spends some time with her mom. He’s so kind.

39

I wasn’t sure of his decision until he took A to the airport and sent her to her mom. She’s been bugging him the entire week but I didn’t think he would let A go meet her mom, it was/is too much for him. He acted fine and pretty looked happy that really worried me. He looked so manic and it’s a bad thing. If he cried I could feel much better. His stupid psychiatrist is so stupid, all she wants is turning him straight. I just hope he won’t feel happier than what he is feeling now. I gotta make sure he will visit a proper doc in Boston.

38

K’s sugar daddy French kissed him and he felt so guilty. I told him it wasn’t all his fault b/c he loves being kissed and he couldn’t stop it when he thought it was me. He still feels guilty and honestly that makes me happy. I’m not happy b/c he feels sad, I’m happy b/c he feels guilty and wants to be faithful. It’s one big step for my flirty husband, he knows he’s not a slut and I love him, guess accidents happen in all marriages.

37

I’m feeling too gay and I want a birthday but K keeps on ignoring me. I’m gonna hate him for a while and I won’t buy him anything for the father’s day.

36

K is one hell of a guy. Once you know him you can’t stop loving him. If he hurts you, there is no need to wait for the right time to take revenge; he starts torturing himself the moment he realizes it and he’s one hell of a brutal torturer you never want to know.
When I left him I was sure I was gay there and then and it was all his fault. I had no where to go than my sister’s. the second she saw me she knew something was wrong, I asked her lots of stupid questions without saying what really happened. No matter how old I am, I will be her little brother she has to protect against demons and there she was to help me. We talked for a while and at last I asked her what was really bugging me; “was I gay?”. She wasn’t shocked, just smiled and disappeared in the kitchen saying I knew the answer and not her.
By the end of the day I was hell sure K didn’t make me gay. Even G knew I was gay but I preferred to be on my own than sharing my life with anyone so she never said anything.
She didn’t know how I could deny my real self so easily. Probably because I was a loner and avoided people so hetro or homo didn’t make any difference at all.
The next day K came to G’s to say his good-byes and he was more than happy to see me again. He apologized again and again and when I told him it was OK, he asked me to go with him. It didn’t take me long to decide and I’m happy I followed him there, later I made him follow me back to Alaska and that’s the fair game we’ve been playing since then.

35

I spent 2 days out of town working hard; I had to think, he told me he was bi-sexual but then it seemed so hard to believe. Did he have sex with his wife? Was he seeing other guys? What did he want from me?
There were so many questions in my mind that I didn’t know the answer and I wanted to know. I could forget him then and live my normal quiet boring life but I couldn’t. Every where I looked I could see him, hear him, feel him and I couldn’t stop thinking about him so I got back home, exhausted and lost. When I listened to my messages I realized he had called so many times begging me to forgive him, not hating him and just call him and tell him so and he would be gone forever because he loved me and didn’t mean to hurt me.

I spent a whole day in church, just sitting there thinking and praying for an answer, there was nothing to soothe me so I went back home. How could all that happen. I knew he didn’t love me like a friend, and our relationship had a different meaning to him. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I left him a message saying he was forgiven but everything between us was over.

I wanted to sleep in peace but I couldn’t forget what we did together. I could lie to world but not myself, I enjoyed what he did and it was hell of an experience.
Was I gay? I had no answer. I never had a boyfriend and I never wanted one b/c it was so wrong. I couldn’t be gay.
I tried to live the life I had just like the time he wasn’t there. It was an easy plan yet I couldn’t go on for a long time.
At last I called him and told him why he did that to me? Did he hate me that much to make me feel gay?
I could hear his sobs over the phone, he swore he never meant to hurt me and I believed him, I still felt violated and I needed him to tell me I wasn’t gay.
The only thing he said was acting on my words. We had talked about homosexuals and I told him about fancying some of my classmates back at school or letting a few to suck my cock. I always thought I was young and horny and that was all.
He just apologized for getting me wrong and he asked for a chance to meet me for one last time saying they weren’t staying in Alaska for long.
I met him at his house all on his own, we chatted a bit and I told him I had to go. When we were saying goodbye he put his hands around me and kissed me on the lips. No man ever kissed me there, he was gentle at first but then changed his mind and did it rough, it was so different from kissing a woman and it looked a lot better.
A part of me wanted to leave; the other part wanted me to do as I wanted. I kissed him back and followed him to their bedroom, it was big clean and smelled good but the air was still as if it hadn’t been used for a while.
He shut the door behind us and asked me to make love to him. Some parts of my brain were still working and kept telling me that no man could make love to another man. It was wrong and sinful, dirty and painful and there was nothing good about it.
I’m happy demons won the fight. That night I realized there was more to male sex than I could imagine. It could be tender and romantic and it was the best sex in my entire life.
When K asked to take my cherry, I wasn’t that sure just remembering the pain on his face as he let me take him the way I liked. I still don’t know how he made me let him to have what he wanted, yet it was one great experience.
When I woke up the next day in his arms on their bed I started to feel guilty, he cheated on his wife again and this time it was with me, how could that happen?
I wanted to leave there and then but to his skinny frame was more strength than I could imagine.
He told me about the divorce process that was happening and he even told me they were leaving AK the next day going back to his hometown and it was his last day there and he was glad I went to meet him. I felt betrayed by my best friend, the only friend I thought I could trust and he just used me as his sex toy, took something that not only didn’t belong to him, it was one big sin. He was no more the nice guy I knew; he was the asshole husband of M, ignorant and proud of himself.
I hit him hard in the face, collected my clothes from the floor and left. I was never an aggressive guy and I never started a fight in my life, at most I defended myself when necessary. And he made me like the beast I never knew existed.

34

Somewhere, some time he fell in love with me but I didn’t realize it b/c I couldn’t think of him anything than a friend. After the argument we had on father’s day he tried his best to fix things a bit, I didn’t care much and I couldn’t understand why he wanted my friendship so much. I knew he enjoyed being around me, he hugged and kissed me and I thought he did that to his other friends, he wanted me to tell him how much I cared about him, how important he was to me and he was but he was just a friend. Once he told me he loved me and I thought that was platonic kind of love, I was wrong. After a while he told me more about his past, his friends, his life, even his sex life. There were parts I didn’t like and honestly I somehow hated but he was one good friend and his past was his past and he looked like a different person. After a while we forgave one another and became good friends again, he spent most of his time either with me or his baby girl. His wife was always missing. I can clearly remember the first time he made his first move, he wasn’t a pushy kind of person and probably what was the reason I didn’t stop him then and there. It was another hunting day, we were exhausted, lying inside the tent with just our khaki pants, talking about everything even sex. K was 26 then but he acted more like a teen when he was with me, he was all energetic and excited about everything that made me feel the same. We were talking about everything sex-related from porn to god knows what, mainly about women, we were pretty naked and horny and out of nowhere he said he wanted to do me a favor, I didn’t mind and told him do as he liked and then he was all over me with his tongue, he licked a few spots on my torso before diving for my cock, he was so quick in putting my meat in his mouth in a second I was in heaven and over the edge. Things happened so quickly I didn’t protest, besides it wasn’t the first time a guy sucked me. A while later he said he wanted to go fishing, I met him on a regular basis and most of the times there was no sign of his wife and whenever I asked him about M, he had an excuse from going shopping to partying with her friends. We fished all weekend and by the end of Sunday we did a great job and wanted to have some party before going home. I used to have terrible drinking habits, and it got worse when I was drinking with someone else, stupid me didn’t know K never drank a sip and just got me drunk. It was again another hot chat about women and sex, this time he showed his discomfort hearing so much about tits and cunt; at last he said he could show me something better than a cunt, I was too drunk to realize what exactly he meant and wanted to do, all I remembered the next day was that he fucked my cock with his man’s pussy and I felt something I had never felt before. When I was all sober and realized what happened I decided we had to stop it b/c I wasn’t gay, I couldn’t be and it seemed so wrong. He came back again and again till I believed he was too drunk and didn’t know what he did. Things went on pretty the same, we didn’t mention that night and we were friends. But he wanted more, he started talking about homosexuals and convincing me how natural it was to love a man and be with another one, I was too naïve to think his intentions weren’t all good. Some how he managed to convince me to let him show m-m sex is not as bad as I thought and it could be a lot better than the ones I had with my ex-wife and ex-gf (I never had many people in my sex life, just a gf at high-school and later I married someone else, that was it). K was fully aware of what he was doing and made me trust him; he knew where to touch, even touched places I could never thought of, he talked about things I didn’t know and he made sure to do things the safe way. This time I enjoyed it more and I noticed his tears while he was riding me, he did all the job on his own just taking half of my tool inside his tight ass, he didn’t cum, cleaned everything and the fun was over. As soon as we departed the guilt took over me. What we did was so gay and I did it with a married man, what was I? As soon as I found the opportunity I flew back to my own home and spent a few days praying and asking for forgiveness. It was too much for me. I tried to hate him but every time I tried to sleep I saw him so I decided I could live a few days without sleeping. I spent 2 days out of town working hard, I had to think, he told me he was bi-sexual