62

someone called me chicken chatting with K but I think i’m not, i dont like all this internet thing exposing yourself to every random guy and I have no idea how some people not only show their faces theypost nude pictures, this really grosses me out!

Anyway call me whatever you like, I don’t care!

The following pictures are posted just because K ran up and down my nerves.

they were taken last summer somewhere near his home(fave) town. the other guy later acted as the other man in our relationship but he was a good friend then :-p

update: I thought I had figured out how this picture uploading worked and I was wrong b/c no description appeared. So thanks to THE random guy for mentioning, I have to introduce the ugly faces.

I’m the one in blue, the one in black is K (note for TRG: You don’t think K was all skinny feminine looking from day one, do you?), the one with the backpack is Ron (he’s such a jerk it’s ok to use his name!)

61

Sometimes all you need is a single touch of the one you love and sometimes all you need is some privacy to think, fortunately K knows the meaning of none.

I think I can give him another chance, and it’s another chance for me too, a chance to forgive or a chance to move on and forget.

60

For every problem, there are symptoms but you must know them to notice some at least!

Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:

* Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
* Excessively “high,” overly good, euphoric mood
* Extreme irritability
* Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
* Distractibility, can’t concentrate well
* Little sleep needed
* Unrealistic beliefs in one’s abilities and powers
* Poor judgment
* Spending sprees
* A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
* Increased sexual drive
* Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
* Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
* Denial that anything is wrong.

Why I couldn’t see those things? B.L.I.N.D

59

I passed the registry office, 6 months ago I was so happy to be there, now I just passed it rushing to get to my appointment.

***

It was hard to find her number, harder to introduce myself, who was i? the guy who stole her husband or ruined her marriage?  It seemed I was none to her, only a friend in need of her adivce!

She knew everything and she understood very well b/c she’d been there, she had experienced worse and she was willing to help.

She was right and I was wrong, love was very blind or I didn’t know I was playing with fire.

She told me a lot, this was one of the links she mentioned:

Giving unconditional love for Bipolar disorder patients is a tough job. It is not easy to express love when you are being turned away from, disrespected or even ill-treated. It is never easy to lend a hand to those who think grandiosely of himself. Most importantly, it is never simple to care and understand someone who has disorganized thoughts and feelings.

In-depth understanding of the illness is the primary aspect you need to undertake. If you do not understand what is happening to your loved one, then you will have difficulty relating to them.

After you have gone through the understanding and assessing specifics of Bipolar disorder of your loved one, then it is time to devise a plan wherein you should workout the problems.

You need to recognize symptoms.

It is not the fault of your loved one why he is inflicted with Bipolar disorder that is the one thing you should take into account. He does not have control of his actions or of his feelings.

You need learn to recognize the many symptoms of Bipolar disorder. Does he have sleeping problems? Why is he getting too much or too little sleep?

It is important to observe his moods, his actions and the way he relates to people. Jot it down so you know when and where it occurred so you have a basis to present.

When you perceive that the symptoms can be most likely Bipolar disorder, do not be embarrassed.

Do not think of the illness as humiliation.

To love someone knows no illness. Bipolar disorder is not an illness where you should cast off or put your loved one into shame. This type of disorder can be treated just like any other diseases.

If you will feel ashamed of your loved one because he is inflicted with such illness, then you are not helping him restore his good health, instead you are letting him do worse than expected.

Build trust.

Trust is essential to individuals with Bipolar disorder. They need you to trust them, not entrust them to other people or institutions such as the psychiatrists or an asylum.

There will be times that you will feel that you cannot deal with your loved one anymore that you will be tempted to call the doctor for him to be fetched because you do not want to take care of them. Never let them hear you say those words because it will just aggravate the situation.

To build up trust, an open and honest communication is needed.

Keep the communication line open.

Once you acknowledged the symptoms, and then ask yourself what you can do. However thinking of good ways to help your loved ones is not always the best way. You may think it is good but it may not really be helpful to the patient. Hence, it is needed that you communicate with the patient.

An open and honest communication is vital. Encourage your loved one to talk about what he thinks and feels. Let him suggest ways on how you are supposed to relate to him.

Do not suppress what you feel. However, there are positive ways to let your loved know how you feel. It is recommended that you avoid nagging, preaching or lecturing an individual with Bipolar disorder. Such negative actions will drive him to detach. If you are concerned about him, let him see how concerned you are in a gentle and encouraging manner.

Let him do his way.

Family members or friends usually ends up wanting to serve his loved one afflicted with Bipolar disorder. You begin to do every work he intends to do. You start to make things he is supposed to construct. Do not do such things.

Along with trust and communication, let the person experience what he can do for himself. Let him solve problems he can find solutions. Let him live the way he is supposed to live. By that, he will feel that he is important and has a good reason why he lives.

Be there.

Although you allow him to do his own way, it does not mean that you will not be there when he needs you to. Let him do his way but make sure that you are around to give assistance when needed.

Most importantly, apart from assistance, you need to offer your love, understanding and support.

58

C.H.E.A.T

5 letters and it can destroy relationships or faithfulness is really valuable to me.

L.O.V.E

I know I love him, I really do but I’m not too sure of my feelings anymore.

M.E.N.T.A.L

I need a new deifnition for this word.

so I love K but I cant stand his manners, I dont want him to cheat on me, actually I hate him for treating me like this. I cant be intimate with him anymore, I just cant and i cant leave him.

I need some AIR to breath.

57

S: So

U: Unbelievably

G:Good

A: Astonishingly

R:Romantic

D:Do

A: Add

D:Devilish

D: Desires

Y: You don’t want to know about

=>

Sugar daddy

According to K I’m so mean and pessimistic but i cant understand why some (old gay) guy does things for K without him asking for, it doesn’t just make sense unless he is really K’s sugar daddy!

56

The song I mentioned K left me to listen to.

55

This morning I woke up finding him nowhere and he didn’t sleep last night, not on the bed at least b/c he’s too noisy and he cant come and go without waking me up.

There was no sign of him, no sign of A and his baby brother been staying with p.b. since he popped his cherry. There was this suitcase on the floor with half of K’s clothes covered with some of mine and then left there as if he’d changed his mind that is so much like K.

He had his player stuck to the mirror with a note of “listen to me” carefully written with shaving cream and fingers. This is the song

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

On my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

54

Explanation of your IQ

You are extremely intelligent. At your high level of intelligence the IQ test is not very reliable anymore. However, we can reliably say that you are at least in the top 2% of the population in terms of intelligence. The top 2%, are generally classified as “highly gifted”. People who have an IQ of over 140 are classified as geniuses.

and this wasnt mine, it was K’s. I decided not to take it in case some dark secrets are revealed

you can take it here

53

How long does it take you trust someone? how long does it take you to love someone? how long does it take you to share all your feelings and thoughts? how long does it take you to decide you want to play on your own?

I know this is my second marriage and if i was that perfect I should had stayed in the same first marriage but I wasn’t the one ruining the nine years of a marriage, I never cheated on anyone and cheating is not all about the sex, it’s about keeping secrets. We promised to share everything then why K thinks he can have some secret stuff for his own.

I know he’s a lot better than me, he’s the smart boy with the IQ a lot higher than normal, a lot higher than me (and it’s obvious when you have to deal with little A), I know he had his perfect family, I know the brothers fight a lot but when it comes to family they are one hell of brothers ready to give up anything to make the other one happy, I know K has more money than I know and I dont want him to share it with me but I expect him to tell me what he is up to. I’m worried about him, I care about him and he calls me possessive. I so much love him and want him to be happy, I thought he would be happier in a smaller town with no gay friends and less chance of being attracted to another guy b/c I want him for myself.

I thought if he has a job with less responsibilities and less stress he can control his moods.

Apparently I was wrong, he’s a city boy and hates being stuck in a secluded place like here, he wants his parties, his bars, his gyms, his friends, his random flirts, his lustful kisses, his dirty touches, his grandma, ….

I feel so outcast in what he likes yet I want him to be happy b/c I cant live without him even when he rips my heart with his bitter words. I think he knows where I am comfortable and where I’m not. As much as he wants to be close to his family, I want to be close to my sister and it’s so selfish of him saying she can come with us and start a new life when she has her life here and enjoys every second of it, why his brothers move here and find a new life?

I’m gonna help him pack whatever he needs but I will make sure he wont do anything to the house, if WE decided to stay in his big city then WE try to put it for rent.