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Mute, pause, rewind.

Sometimes I wish at least I had one of them as an option.

There’s another choice to select….. live with it.

Is there a way to have your old life back or should I tie him for a while and take steps with my own pace.

I’m starting to feel how people with bipolar disorder look at life, a never ending roller-coaster with no brake.

Ridiculous as it may look, I hardly have any idea what I expect or how I am supposed to react, the worst part is I can’t be mad at him anymore.

He meant good or that’s what I’ve been told so I have no rational reason to blame him on some old mess of mine.

He has a big mouth and a bigger heart, restless brain and extremely impatient. If he doesn’t like the scenery, he’ll make the trees walk from one place to another to give him the view he enjoys and he never gets tired of pushing people to their limits.

I wish I could shout at him, even beg him to stop pushing all the wrong buttons. I wish I could turn back time and acted more responsible. I wish … it’s very stupid but there are times I wish I had never met him.

Still it’s not his fault, it’s all mine that I am too ignorant and too coward to face the reality.

If I could read minds ………

So many what ifs, wishes blah blah blah, Let’s face it I’m a loner and I like my boring life and I never wanted to have a daughter who is about 16 years younger than me. I never wanted to meet her and I’m not happy she is staying with us right now. I wish I had the guts to tell her she doesn’t belong here and make her leave.

I’m tired of pretending I’m OK with what happened in the last few weeks, something that turned my world upside down and stole my peace. I want to be selfish , impatient, irrational and some other feeling I can’t think of right now.

I want to shout at K and tell him it’s time to end his show. He wanted a life time partner, OK I’m here, he wants to flirt with his straight/gay friends, OK I try to understand; he wants his ex back, I’ll welcome her; he wants a sibling for his girl, I’m willing to try adoption; he wants to live in a big city that gives him more freedom to live the way he like, I can live with that. But that’s the end of it, I’m a human being and I have my own limits, I don’t want him to decide for me and tell me how to live my life. We are a couple, yes, still I can have my own privacy that there’s no K in it.

She is a good quiet girl, true.

I’m her biological father, true.

She scares me and I don’t want to be part of her life. I think she had sensed it to some extent but K gives her wrong signals and impressions.

She is not welcomed here and she has no place in our house.

I know I’m a big failure and I try my best to keep calm and stay patient, yet I know one of these days I’ll get her tickets back to wherever hell she came from, throw her out and make her leave without looking back.

Can I scream now?