87

I can call it unanticipated concern for the lack of proper words and it touched me to the deepest darkest parts of my soul when K picked the phone up and invited A’s mom to her birthday party. It was pretty obvious she wouldn’t be coming, yet it was a gentlemanly gesture that made me so proud of K.
I know I haven’t been my usual self lately but K wasn’t either.
He’s just too unnaturally quiet that freaks me out but that’s all I can feel for him right now without getting mad at him.

I have realized time can evolve relationships to something we could never expect, like the one Z and Poet boy have. when they first started dating I was 99% sure they wouldn’t last more than a month but they did last for over a year now and though I’m happy for them I want them to go back to where they came from b/c their behavior is starting to get on my nerves and I know they piss K off too.
Anyway, I’m starting to think probably something may work between me and M but she’s leaving AK in a week time, it’s ridiculous but I’m gonna miss her.

I know I’m rambling probably b/c I’m worried about my stupid K. A’s going to be 4 in a day time and K looks like anything but happy.
I want all this mess to be over soon and we get back to our normal life, Lord, did you hear that?

86

Touch: to cause or permit a part of the body, especially the hand or fingers, to come in contact with so as to feel

The second I felt her touch on my back I totally freaked out b/c it was so different from what I got used to in the last 1.5 years living with him.

Her touch was tender and needy as if she was seeking for something she never had, nothing like his teasing touches.

There are so many different touches we feel every day.

Some of them are confusing, you don’t know how you should feel, excited, happy, loved, annoyed….

Some of them are unwanted, they make you sick and all you can think of  is when it would be over.

Some of them are passionate, caring , summarizing all the care and love someone has for you. Those are the ones you want to feel as often as possible.

And she touched me at the most unexpected moment, wrapping her arm around my waist and trying to make her own invisible bond, capturing me.

I don’t know it was her desire to have a male figure in her life no matter the consequences or how creepy the guy was, or was it me not being touched by a woman for a while. It gave me a weird sensation.

I tried to hold her the way she wanted and felt secure, for the first time in the last few weeks, I thought of some possible relationships with her. I could not and did not want her to think of me as her father b/c I don’t feel that way, still I want to try something with her and I know this will make a certain someone happy.

The thing that I really hated about myself at that time was comparing whatever she did to K. his touch, his smell, his smile, his face.

She was just holding me and I kept thinking of K’s fingers touching those place only he knows. I wrapped my arm around her waist and I thought of K being skinnier than her but still masculine. I could smell her soft hair and I thought I liked K’s wavy hair better though they both smelled pretty the same b/c both used the same shampoo. (He gave his shampoo to her b/c she liked the smell.)

I think M’s touch was confusing, I wanted it and I hated it. I kept comparing it with those coming from people I loved. It was a bit playful like A’s and a little sensual like K’s. I don’t think she did anything intentionally b/c to me all she needed at that moment was a little contact, yet I guess I read her wrong.

There is one thing I know now and it’s that I want to give a try to our relationship. I don’t want her to act like someone she isn’t. All I need is some time to know her and understand her needs.

To K: This doesn’t mean what you did was right, I’m saying I’ll give it a try, don’t push me to do things I don’t like ever again!