Walking on the borderline between black and white makes your world look gray, this is what I think about life, everything strangely mediocre when you’re average Joe.
However you can’t drag your partner on the line and make him look at the world the way you do when he’s so desperate to have his world in a certain color, only white or only black.
The amazing thing about married life is that as much as you want the other one to walk in the path you are taking, he’s trying to do the same to you and as soon as you realize this fact you start asking yourself whether or not you are on the same page. I know I’m not and I’ve realized he’s so tuned in to some one else, there’s little chance to make him notice me at times.
Sometimes he’s so distant that makes me think there must be someone else, someone who knows him better, who understands him well and can say the right things at the right times to soothe his invisible pain. for a while I thought it was his ex, she’s perfect in her own way, she’s smart and she can read his body language so well that predicting his up and down times is a piece of cake, me on the other hand can never tell when he’s upset, not until he becomes extremely quiet and pulls his guard so high it’s hard to know he’s even behind those thick walls.
After two years being near him, I can say confidently there’s no other man/woman, not the way I think at least. I can’t read him because I am such a selfish person who can never see the signs, the little changes, the little unimportant words, touches, hugs he seeks. I’m too mediocre for him, too boring, too average and too selfish.I think all this long he never trusted me enough to completely let go of his protective walls and let me see what’s there. He let me in for sure but he is on his full guard, ready for a sign to throw me out.
It’s a big lie if I say I don’t enjoy this simple mysterious grown-up kid hungrily seeking attention. That’s what he needs behind his arrogant smartass mask he wears everyday. He’s so good at acting like a real pain in the ass, many people don’t even bother with trying to know him.
The thing that bothers me most these days is that he used to care about other people and his surrounding a lot, now he doesn’t, he doesn’t care and I can see him drowning gradually, excruciatingly slow.
To this day I can’t explain what he saw in the boring old me that made him want to be with me. Yet I know something, he needs to trust someone at last, to submit and let him control things at least for a short time b/c he can’t stand too long if he keeps so shut to the world only depending on himself and no one else.
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