97

For the first time in the last few years, I’ve found enough time to do absolutely nothing. Nothing means nothing, i.e. not reading a book, not cooking, not cleaning, not hunting, not watching tv and to some extent not even worrying.

It’s like someone pressed the mute button of my life’s remote control and suddenly everything went blank, numb, senseless.

And I’m not even complaining or thinking of a way to fix things.

I still hear the voices shouting at me and begging me to try and fix things, fight for the things I once used to have and then there’s this other voice, loud and audible telling me to step aside and look and let the world heals its own wound the way it like.

Unfortunately this pattern seems very familiar to me, I’d done it before when my ex filed for divorce and I left without protesting and now she’s completely out of my life. Does this mean every human has his own planet to orbit around and repeat the same mistakes over and over again until his life ends?

Whenever I see A enjoying her life and feeling the room with her giggles, I tell myself to get a grip and put everything in order. But when I see she’s laughing with someone else, with total strangers I lose all my strength to fight.

It’s that ugly voice irritating me though, begging me not to quit, not to leave the most precious people in my life and run to my snow-covered hole.

I think I will listen to that voice for a little longer, there are people out there who need me and I need them.

I refill my gun and put on my armor, there’s one more battle to go.

96

His ass was warm. His hole was puckered and pink. His scrotum was musky and his moans were a welcome sound. But it was dry and I planned to fix that soon too. He loved me and I loved him. And I wanted to love every part of him.

I fucked him with my tongue and he moaned. I moaned. My dick stiffened and I licked harder. He moaned louder. And I couldn’t get enough of him. And I tried to go deeper as I sucked hard on his delicious hole. I heard him moan and twist and turn. I missed every part of him and I was not in a condition to give a $#%^ who might hear us.

We haven’t been together for a long time I could hardly remember when was the last time we made love and I needed to feel his tight channel one more time to remind myself how much he meant to me.

I gave his puckered hole one more lick to make sure he was well lubed and ready before getting back on my knees. The second I let go of his legs, he turned to a bundle of  limbs and burst into … tears?!

He was crying hysterically trying hard to cover his naked body by crawling to the corner of the bed.

“I’m sorry.” I imagined hearing his voice but I wasn’t sure it was my imagination or what he tried to say.

Now he was shaking violently as if raped by a gang of trolls, tears streaming down his cheeks non-stop.

What had I done wrong? Wasn’t it what he wanted and lusted for all night. He was the one asking me to join him in the bed naked. What was he expecting after avoiding me worse than a stranger for weeks. What has he done to me? This was so much not me. I had never thought of another guy while masturbating, but now he was always on my mind. He turned me into someone I don’t know and to everyone’s surprise, no matter what he does or says, my desire for him gets stronger day by day and this seems so wierd.

This time I heard him clearly, “Z I can’t do it, I’m so sorry. I…can’t. I’m… no good. Leave me… please.”

Between his sobs and the struggle to breathe he tried to convince me I must listen to others and let him drown deeper than he already had.

If he stabbed me tens of times and kicked my half alive body into a bottomless sea with hungry sharks, the feeling was more relieving than asking me to leave him. How could I? After a life time I’ve found my soul-mate and I’m not a bastard to leave the most wonderful person in my life because others think he’s too depressed to be a proper partner.

I know, unconsciously, he’s gripping hard on our love to not fall into pieces and with all my might I will make sure that won’t happen.

I looked around the room to find his inhaler before moving slowly to his side and gathering him into my arms. I made him take deep breaths and calm down a bit. “He’s losing weight again.” that was what came to my mind holding his fragile body and stroking his hair.

I’m not sure what he is losing because to me a guy weighing 136 lbs is a walking skeleton so it must be his muscle tissues and it’s not good.

I’m looking forward to seeing his therapist and I know I have to meet my own soon too because I’m turning to a person I hardly know and it’s really scaring me.

And a late happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Let’s be thankful for all the great things we have in life. I know what I am thankful for and I will try my best to prove it.

94

A fresh start is what me and K need right now and I think we’re not that far from it.

93

1. The Orange One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Pride
   You have enthusiasm for almost everything you do in life. You have a super playful attitude.
   You are curious about the world, and you love to learn. You rather figure people out than rush to judge them.
   You can’t help but have a big head sometimes.
   People think you’re cute because you’re adventurous. You always bring some fun, which is super charming.
2. The Blue One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Depression
   You are both a realist and an idealist. You’re able to see the world as it is – and how it could be.
   You dream big, and you never give up on your beliefs. You have big plans.
   Sometimes you build things up in your head.
   People think you’re cute because you’re determined. You’re a fighter, and that’s charming.
3. The Pink One with the Heart: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Sensitivity
   You are a giving, open, loving person. You truly want the world to be a better place.
   You appreciate what you have in life. You are very content.
   You are very sensitive, and your sensitivity can be a double edged sword.
   People think you’re cute because you’re generous. You are easy to love – it’s part of your charm.
4. The Red One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Intensity
   You are a vibrant, vivacious person. When you live, you live as wildly and loudly as possible.
   You are very bold. You are willing to stand up and be a leader.
   You have a tendency to let your passions take over.
   People think you’re cute because you’re fiery. When you get worked up, it’s charming.
5. The Brown One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Laziness
   You are a deep, thoughtful, down to earth person. You don’t put much stock in appearances.
   You are never superficial or flippant. You take time in life to study, learn, and get to know people well.
   You can get so caught up in your own world that you neglect everything around you.
   People think you’re cute because you’re intelligent. Your wit and wisdom are charming.
6. the Green One : Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Greed
   You are a very natural, real person. You’re comfortable with who you are – and your spirit truly shines through.
   You are free of inhibitions and hang ups. Because of this freedom, you tend to be very creative.
   You can’t help but lust after wealth and shiny objects.
   People think you’re cute because you are so lively. Your natural glow makes you charming.
7. The Grey One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Melancholy
   You are a well balanced person. You have all aspects of your life happily in order.
   Whenever you have a choice in life, you try to choose the middle path.
   You can be a bit moody at times.
   People think you’re cute because you are easy going. Your live and let live attitude is charming.
8. The white One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Frailty
   You are a simply happy person. You still view the world with a childlike innocence.
   You have an easy going attitude, and you value harmony. You love freely and inspire others to love.
   You are easily beaten down by life.
   People think you’re cute because you are optimistic. Your outlook on life is charming.
9. The Black One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Sorrow
   You’re the type of person who stands out in a crowd, even when you’re trying to blend in.
   You are honest in your character and appearance. You don’t pretend to be someone else.
   You tend to get depressed easily.
   People think you’re cute because you’re rebellious. Your uniqueness is charming.

92

Choose your monster, I’ll tell you what they mean later.

(This post was orginally sent to my mailboxby K)

90

I really don’t intend to post once in a while, yet there’s always things that keep me busy.

Here’s the big news, we’re not moving anywhere, that is we’re staying put for another 5-6 months at least.

The weather is good and it’s not snowing anymore. Thick layers of clouds are hugging the ground tightly enough it’s hard to see your surroundings and everyone’s so happy about our decision that even the sky is crying in joy , thus the coastal flood watch will be available until next week.

A is back home and enjoying herself again, ruling her tiny world and giving us headaches we love to have.

K is pretty pissed off from last night saying he doesn’t want to have breakfast with me which is almost fine b/c I don’t have to make him anything. He’s being a baby again and I’m not in the mood to make him feel better about himself so we can the tense atmosphere until the weekend arrives.

88

When it is too hard to put words together to make a proper sentence, then probably it’d be better to leave the words alone and let them have their own way.

bloodshot eyes, bruised knees, wounded hands, tense muscles and an irrational depression are all on the menu

I was wondering if I could swap him, with a cute normal hottie with no tendency to hurt herself?!

84

During the last few days many different things happened good enough to write about but i kept telling myself it was something to be done after dinner and you know “after dinner ” never came.
Probably it’d be better to start with today b/c it was a bright nice day to begin another wonderful day…. sorry wrong!
I woke up pretty early but to my surprise K was up way earlier and had made the breakfast too which was something unusual and fishy but I didn’t pay much attention. he was very lively, chatty and energetic that is very much like him so without paying any attention I sent him to work.
Still looked like a fine day so I cleaned the house a bit, fed A and dressed her to meet some of her little friends.
With all the cleaning finished, we left home to face a new working day, not to mention it was all very early but it’s Alaska so we have very long days.
By 9 o’clock I was pretty done with the chopping and preparing stuff for another cooking marathon. 9 o’clock and it had stared to pass very slowly not to mention that my everyday routine starts after 9.30.
I had paid too much attention washing the carrots so i could draw every single line on them, the kitchen was very quiet and it was getting really annoying so I thought a little talk with my bundle of energy would brighten things up.
I called his cellphone several times but there came no answer, yet nothing to worry about b/c he usually leaves it silent in his backpack. 15 minutes later and I was on my way home because my favorite asshole had headed home an hour ago or that was all his boss said.
I was very rude to him now that I think, though he was very concerned about K and had sent him home even asking me whether his medication was working or not.
Now it’s almost 11.30,I’m watching K sleeping soundly on the bed holding “wooly” * and pillow very tight. He’s been very restless recently so no wonder he didn’t hear me coming, poor K sometimes he’s very mean to himself.
I have no idea what happened to him in the last 3 hours and al lI can do is to wait and let him wake up and explain.
I really want to give him a big hug b/c he looks so vulnerable and innocent that makes my heart ache.
So today was one fine day that went wrong.

footnote:
1. “Wooly” is one fluffy ugly toy dog K takes with him everywhere specially when he is upset. it looks very ancient so it must be something from his childhood.
2. Within 6 days , I’ll be 34 years old. Time passes very quickly. I was thinking of posting some personal rants like last year.

82

At last K is coming home and I’m planning a long holiday (just me), letting him look after A and enjoy the parenthood.

I had little  sleep last night cleaning and getting prepared and I have to confess I missed K more than he would ever imagine and it was very hard not to ask him to come back asap but on his own terms and when he was ready.

I wanted to upload some pictures too but no matter how hard I tried it gave me different errors, so let it be some other time.

Time to make breakfast and then head to the airport.

I CANT WAIT TO SEE HIM IN FLESH!

74

At last he’s coming home and apparently he’s bringing cold weather with him.

It’s been real hot here for several days, when I say hot I don’t mean 20 degrees hot, I’m talking about round 40 degrees and believe me it’s real hot for an Alaskan winter.

Baby A is really impatient to see her daddy and I have to confess I failed being there for her the way she expected me. I’m pretty a patient person but this kid can drive you crazy if she wants and she did want it.

Luckily she’s sleeping now and when she wakes up her daddy will be home.

Within hours we have to say good-bye to President Bush and welcome another one, the first black president in US history, ridiculously I’m not expecting anything from him anymore.

The last thing is the cease-fire in Gaza, I know it won’t be the end of the war between Israelis and Palestinians but for now no more kids will die and it can be the answer to so many prayers.

That’s it for now, I better go clean the house and make it ready for Mr. Mess-maker. I cant wait to see him and I’m thinking of picking him up tomorrow morning and ignore the promise of letting him get home on his own. I suppose I’m falling for this guy.