95

The Earth orbits round the sun and everyone is grateful because all these rotations give them another chance to live.

what will happen if I stop orbiting round myself, would anyone notice at all?

94

A fresh start is what me and K need right now and I think we’re not that far from it.

93

1. The Orange One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Pride
   You have enthusiasm for almost everything you do in life. You have a super playful attitude.
   You are curious about the world, and you love to learn. You rather figure people out than rush to judge them.
   You can’t help but have a big head sometimes.
   People think you’re cute because you’re adventurous. You always bring some fun, which is super charming.
2. The Blue One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Depression
   You are both a realist and an idealist. You’re able to see the world as it is – and how it could be.
   You dream big, and you never give up on your beliefs. You have big plans.
   Sometimes you build things up in your head.
   People think you’re cute because you’re determined. You’re a fighter, and that’s charming.
3. The Pink One with the Heart: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Sensitivity
   You are a giving, open, loving person. You truly want the world to be a better place.
   You appreciate what you have in life. You are very content.
   You are very sensitive, and your sensitivity can be a double edged sword.
   People think you’re cute because you’re generous. You are easy to love – it’s part of your charm.
4. The Red One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Intensity
   You are a vibrant, vivacious person. When you live, you live as wildly and loudly as possible.
   You are very bold. You are willing to stand up and be a leader.
   You have a tendency to let your passions take over.
   People think you’re cute because you’re fiery. When you get worked up, it’s charming.
5. The Brown One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Laziness
   You are a deep, thoughtful, down to earth person. You don’t put much stock in appearances.
   You are never superficial or flippant. You take time in life to study, learn, and get to know people well.
   You can get so caught up in your own world that you neglect everything around you.
   People think you’re cute because you’re intelligent. Your wit and wisdom are charming.
6. the Green One : Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Greed
   You are a very natural, real person. You’re comfortable with who you are – and your spirit truly shines through.
   You are free of inhibitions and hang ups. Because of this freedom, you tend to be very creative.
   You can’t help but lust after wealth and shiny objects.
   People think you’re cute because you are so lively. Your natural glow makes you charming.
7. The Grey One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Melancholy
   You are a well balanced person. You have all aspects of your life happily in order.
   Whenever you have a choice in life, you try to choose the middle path.
   You can be a bit moody at times.
   People think you’re cute because you are easy going. Your live and let live attitude is charming.
8. The white One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Frailty
   You are a simply happy person. You still view the world with a childlike innocence.
   You have an easy going attitude, and you value harmony. You love freely and inspire others to love.
   You are easily beaten down by life.
   People think you’re cute because you are optimistic. Your outlook on life is charming.
9. The Black One: Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Sorrow
   You’re the type of person who stands out in a crowd, even when you’re trying to blend in.
   You are honest in your character and appearance. You don’t pretend to be someone else.
   You tend to get depressed easily.
   People think you’re cute because you’re rebellious. Your uniqueness is charming.

92

Choose your monster, I’ll tell you what they mean later.

(This post was orginally sent to my mailboxby K)

91

Looking at the second empty can of beer, then the clock then back to the can and that was all I needed to light a cigarette, sit on the couch and flip through channels. Of all nights, his boss chose tonight for an additional meeting to fix the problems, the night planned so carefully.
I had no choice than waiting for K to arrive.
I was nervous and I couldn’t find a way to relax nor a reason for my nervousness because I was aware of its stupid source.

After putting A to bed and washing the dirty dishes, nothing was left to do than relaxing on the couch and wait for the inevitable called K. That was when the only word I could think of was “insecurity”.

More or less, the reason behind my lack of communication was those feelings of insecurity or was it something else?
insecurity: the anxiety you experience when you feel vulnerable and lacking self-confidence or assurance
***********
The memory is pretty vague now, still I can remember a few things….
When I was a kid, I used to be moody and aggressive. Surely what I call aggressive still looks like a well-behaved kid to others but for my father, it was unacceptable and I needed strict discipline.
My mother decided to take responsibility and turn me into a well-behaved child.Having a tender kind soul, all my mother did was asking me to cut pieces of paper into 1×1 inches squares and color them depending on my mood. It was blue for wrath, green for happiness and orange for depression. For sure it all looked extremely ridiculous to me but by the time I started painting those small pieces the assigned colors and discarding them in a small box afterwards, I had more control over my feelings. It took me a long time to realize how it helped me manage my anger and become the patient person I am now. And last night I thought about drawing little squares and coloring them, however I couldn’t decide on the color.
**********
When he got home, it was some time after nine, he looked exhausted and hungry so I tried to pretend all I wanted to do was feeding him and getting back to the book I left on the couch without reading a line. His dinner and shower lasted a lot shorter than I expected and I ended up washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen to avoid him.
When I got back to the sitting-room he was waiting for me, looking longingly at me patting the space near him on the couch. He looked absolutely innocent trying hard to be patient and behave so I made my mind and gave up to the little talk we’d put off for a long time.
I sat there tense before he closed the space between us, wrapping his arms around me and seeking for some heat. That took him only a few seconds before grimacing at the smell of cigarette and beer and moving into a distance.
I’m not sure how long we talked, I can’t even remember the exact words we talked about, yet he was unusually quiet and patient, even a little scary.
The talking was good and made me realize how selfish I’ve been to him.
Did it make me feel comfortable? Not a little bit.
Poor K was too tired to do anything than falling sleep in my arms, I can even say he slept peacefully though I didn’t sleep much. Only holding him close and thinking of the many possibilities there would be for us that I don’t want to hear of.

90

I really don’t intend to post once in a while, yet there’s always things that keep me busy.

Here’s the big news, we’re not moving anywhere, that is we’re staying put for another 5-6 months at least.

The weather is good and it’s not snowing anymore. Thick layers of clouds are hugging the ground tightly enough it’s hard to see your surroundings and everyone’s so happy about our decision that even the sky is crying in joy , thus the coastal flood watch will be available until next week.

A is back home and enjoying herself again, ruling her tiny world and giving us headaches we love to have.

K is pretty pissed off from last night saying he doesn’t want to have breakfast with me which is almost fine b/c I don’t have to make him anything. He’s being a baby again and I’m not in the mood to make him feel better about himself so we can the tense atmosphere until the weekend arrives.

89

Walking on the borderline between black and white makes your world look gray, this is what I think about life, everything strangely mediocre when you’re average  Joe.
However you can’t drag your partner on the line and make him look at the world the way you do when he’s so desperate to have his world in a certain color, only white or only black.

The amazing thing about married life is that as much as you want the other one to walk in the path you are taking, he’s trying  to do the same to you and as soon as you realize this fact you start asking yourself whether or not you are on the same page. I know I’m not and I’ve realized he’s so tuned  in to  some one else, there’s little chance to make him notice me at times.

Sometimes he’s so distant that makes me think there must be someone else, someone who knows him better, who understands him well and can say the right things at the right times to soothe his invisible pain. for a while I thought it was his ex, she’s perfect in her own way, she’s smart and she can read his body language so well that predicting his up and down times is a piece of cake, me on the other hand can never tell when he’s upset, not until he becomes extremely quiet and pulls his guard so high it’s hard to know he’s even behind those thick walls.

After two years being near him, I can say confidently there’s no other man/woman, not the way I think at least. I can’t read him because I am such a selfish person who can never see the signs, the little changes, the little unimportant words, touches, hugs he seeks. I’m too mediocre for him, too boring, too average and too selfish.I think all this long he never trusted me enough to completely let go of his protective walls and let me see what’s there. He let me in for sure but he is on his full guard, ready for a sign to throw me out.

It’s a big lie if I say I don’t enjoy this simple mysterious grown-up kid hungrily seeking attention. That’s what he needs behind his arrogant smartass mask he wears everyday. He’s so good at acting like a real pain in the ass, many people don’t even bother with trying to know him.

The thing that bothers me most these days is that he used to care about other people and his surrounding a lot, now he doesn’t, he doesn’t care and I can see him drowning gradually, excruciatingly slow.

To this day I can’t explain what he saw in the boring old me that made him want to be with me. Yet I know something, he needs to trust someone at last, to submit and let him control things at least for a short time b/c he can’t stand too long if he keeps so shut to the world only depending on himself and no one else.

88

When it is too hard to put words together to make a proper sentence, then probably it’d be better to leave the words alone and let them have their own way.

bloodshot eyes, bruised knees, wounded hands, tense muscles and an irrational depression are all on the menu

I was wondering if I could swap him, with a cute normal hottie with no tendency to hurt herself?!

87

I can call it unanticipated concern for the lack of proper words and it touched me to the deepest darkest parts of my soul when K picked the phone up and invited A’s mom to her birthday party. It was pretty obvious she wouldn’t be coming, yet it was a gentlemanly gesture that made me so proud of K.
I know I haven’t been my usual self lately but K wasn’t either.
He’s just too unnaturally quiet that freaks me out but that’s all I can feel for him right now without getting mad at him.

I have realized time can evolve relationships to something we could never expect, like the one Z and Poet boy have. when they first started dating I was 99% sure they wouldn’t last more than a month but they did last for over a year now and though I’m happy for them I want them to go back to where they came from b/c their behavior is starting to get on my nerves and I know they piss K off too.
Anyway, I’m starting to think probably something may work between me and M but she’s leaving AK in a week time, it’s ridiculous but I’m gonna miss her.

I know I’m rambling probably b/c I’m worried about my stupid K. A’s going to be 4 in a day time and K looks like anything but happy.
I want all this mess to be over soon and we get back to our normal life, Lord, did you hear that?

86

Touch: to cause or permit a part of the body, especially the hand or fingers, to come in contact with so as to feel

The second I felt her touch on my back I totally freaked out b/c it was so different from what I got used to in the last 1.5 years living with him.

Her touch was tender and needy as if she was seeking for something she never had, nothing like his teasing touches.

There are so many different touches we feel every day.

Some of them are confusing, you don’t know how you should feel, excited, happy, loved, annoyed….

Some of them are unwanted, they make you sick and all you can think of  is when it would be over.

Some of them are passionate, caring , summarizing all the care and love someone has for you. Those are the ones you want to feel as often as possible.

And she touched me at the most unexpected moment, wrapping her arm around my waist and trying to make her own invisible bond, capturing me.

I don’t know it was her desire to have a male figure in her life no matter the consequences or how creepy the guy was, or was it me not being touched by a woman for a while. It gave me a weird sensation.

I tried to hold her the way she wanted and felt secure, for the first time in the last few weeks, I thought of some possible relationships with her. I could not and did not want her to think of me as her father b/c I don’t feel that way, still I want to try something with her and I know this will make a certain someone happy.

The thing that I really hated about myself at that time was comparing whatever she did to K. his touch, his smell, his smile, his face.

She was just holding me and I kept thinking of K’s fingers touching those place only he knows. I wrapped my arm around her waist and I thought of K being skinnier than her but still masculine. I could smell her soft hair and I thought I liked K’s wavy hair better though they both smelled pretty the same b/c both used the same shampoo. (He gave his shampoo to her b/c she liked the smell.)

I think M’s touch was confusing, I wanted it and I hated it. I kept comparing it with those coming from people I loved. It was a bit playful like A’s and a little sensual like K’s. I don’t think she did anything intentionally b/c to me all she needed at that moment was a little contact, yet I guess I read her wrong.

There is one thing I know now and it’s that I want to give a try to our relationship. I don’t want her to act like someone she isn’t. All I need is some time to know her and understand her needs.

To K: This doesn’t mean what you did was right, I’m saying I’ll give it a try, don’t push me to do things I don’t like ever again!