I never stop loving you.

There’s always moments in life when our lives get so complicated that we consider ending it as an option.
For most of us it’s just a short silly thought but there are people who try and there are fewer guys who succeed.

That’s where my love is now. Down the drain, gone!
However, you need some guts to finish your life, and you have to be very selfish ,too.
Guess he had those qualities.
I have said it quite many times however it still hurts like the very first time.
Right now I’m done with crying or being angry, just numb. I don’t mean drunk numb because at some point I had to stop emptying those shiny tempting bottles because I couldn’t afford anymore and A needed me sober.

I think it’s the proper time to move on. I have to start my life over so good bye K.
I tried to love you the way no one else did, I tried to save you from your demons and I dreamed of us growing old together but like always , you had other plans.

You wanted me to hate you so I could move on with my but I can never hate the person who pulled me out of my dark lonely closet and showed me gay people deserve love as much as others. Thank you for giving me the most precious thing in your life. I promise to be the kind of parent she needs. Thank you for showing me the true love. Thank you for showing me how ungrateful I was to the wonderful blessings I took for granted. Thank you for rubbing your sexuality on my skin. Thank you for jumping to my life. I’m going to remember you every gay pride I join and every gay couple I see.
I’m sorry I failed you, I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry I was never ok with PDA.
I hope wherever you are, there’s no pain.
I know you wanted me to move on, I think I’ll do it at some point but I will never forget you.
Good bye my love.
I hope your soul is in peace now.

Back.

Sleepless nights, empty bottles, puffy eyes and endless headaches have become part of my life lately.
I’m simply too tired to live but I have A and she’s one hell of a reason to go on.
So that will be the plan for now.I need to find a way to concentrate and avoid all these scattered thoughts in my head but there’s always something K-related that sends me to that forbidden land of loneliness.
Today I managed to open all of the boxes K’s brothers generously handed me. I was hoping to find the photo albums he took stealthily but I found nothing. I even managed to put the into three categories:
1. Must be thrown away: His toys and other related things

2. Must be given to charity: his clothes and books

3. Must be kept: his diary
And there’s that damned letter I still don’t have the guts to read.
I don’t think I can read it alone and there’s no one close enough to help me with it.
Seeing his brothers didn’t help at all and now I have to deal with my very upset daughter who thinks I’m leaving her soon.
I wish I could truly hate K but I can’t. He was selfish till the last minute.
Tonight I’ll do something to get rid of his thought, I can’t go on loving me when he easily left us without a word.

Christmas

This Christmas was special.
There were so many people around the table, even new faces.
And he was there too.
So another Christmas together means we survived another year.
I wish everyone a merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year.

Check my plumbing please

“..is wall’s pretty damp.”
That’s what I comprehended after trying hard to concentrate on the plumber’s voice rather than his full lips covered with a bushy mustache, the big bottom fully covered with his baggy pants….pants, why was he wearing loose pants that made it hard to see the outline of his bulge?!!
Yeah, the bulge, it was quite impressive and probably a sign of some noticeable meat…..What was he saying again….something was damp, was he talking about my jeans…. not possible because they were soaked from the other drooling head……..Concentrate, seriously I need to concentrate more when the topic of discussion is something very important…What was it again? Would he give me his number or would he call me back if I give him mine? How many times am I supposed to ask him out until he lets me get in his pants. He must be very hairy, with nice love handles….hhhhmmm we can spend all night together. He’s very muscular with a little belly, probably from drinking too much beer….BEER, I can drink beer with him after each round, oh
BEER I so much miss you. You were the best company in my lonely stressful nights.
Where was I? Ah huh, I wonder what kind of underwear he is wearing. He doesn’t look like a thong guy and surely nothing pink or even orange, so maybe he’s wearing green briefs… but I don’t like green on my guy……..My Guy?!!
“…s leaking so …main valve?”
******
This plumber talks a lot and none of the things he’s saying makes sense.
I think it’s wiser to stop drooling and pay more attention….OK! Let’s do it. You big hairy (un)sexy guy who’s not my type at all, I’m going to turn off the water at the main valve, I give you the permission to take off the tiles, walls, pants…. sorry I got distracted again, anyway take whatever you think is necessary off and fix the fucking leak! Meanwhile I go talk to A’s principal who had a crush on me since she enjoys seeing me 3 times a week. Don’t make much noise because our new neighbors totally hate us and I really don’t want them to call the cops again!
Ok, Mr plumber I’m leaving you and the leak alone now, be a good boy and do your job, I don’t want to catch you red handed with your hands on your balls. I’ll be back soon!

Note: Would anyone make a series called “Desperate house husbands” with lots of sexy queers? I really need a job and a break from all these dramas!

The sixth birthday

A’s officially six and well that says a lot.
she’s one hell of a mature girl and I used to say between K and A, A always knew what was the best choice. I can’t say that anymore.
At some point I gave up planning any kind of party, this one was totally ruined. Sure A had her cake and a few random presents but no guests. P crashed at our place earlier to sorta distract us from the big picture, the old K would have gone for it but this new one, damn he senses anything.
So P and I celebrated A’s six birthday while I worried myself to death until K gave me the OK call. His granny had mild stroke and now she’s hospitalized, K drove all the way to Boston just to be by her side. I know K has a very strong bond with his granny but driving all the way after a stressful day at work and not fully recovering from the shocking news was too much.
So like many previous occasions, A is pissed, P is pretty lost and K is acting like any normal grandson in an annoying nerve wrecking situation. Where am I in the situation, I have no idea, but would people stop picking on me because they are worried and have no idea about what to do? Well that won’t happen. SO
Happy Birthday My Dear A, it seems everywhere we find something to go completely wrong!

Superqueers

It was a nice Sunday morning, the sermon was great, everyone was friendly and the sun never shone that generous in Alaska.

Could anything be better? Oh, of course, my dear brother-in-law picked his whining boyfriend and in return handed us our precious daughter who unfairly was taken hostage.

So nothing could go wrong and I really didn’t mind leaving father and daughter at home and go to the church. After all it was a perfect day with no evidence of approaching drama.

WRONG!!!!!

So gayly (dear queers, gay means happy) I came home and there was no sign of K or A, totally gone without a single note. Although K is most of the times irresponsible and forgetful so it’s typical of him to not leave a note behind, A always makes sure to give me a call.

I called his phone and unsurprisingly it was left under the pillow. If you are wondering what the hell was it doing there, I can say K uses his phone as some kind of vibrator 😀

After spending a long time looking for the invisibles, a sweaty K and an excited A appeared with the latest kind of a drama, the lost hurt pigeon.

Where they found that box and how my beloved allergic husband managed to catch the poor helpless bird is a mystery but even K can be a good dad when he has to (FYI: he spent half an hour telling me how the little pigeon scratched his uber-sensitive skin and how he could feel the invisible rashes itching!)

Now we have a new pet, an orphan-probably gay- pigeon, two turtles and a fish. We are willing to accept homeless cats/dogs/hot naked guys.

They saved the poor bird from death but it’s my additional chore to clean the mess and feed the bird.

Thank God it likes wheat.

Btw if you are a helpless lost cute pet in need of a superqueer to come to your rescue, leave me a message, I’ll do my best.

gay counseling?!

Gay people have issues, this is a fact, but then everyone else has.

The most important part is how to deal with those issues or compartmentalize them. Which one is important? Which one to deal first?

Do I have to come out first? Do I need to find a guy before taking a step out of the closet? Do I have to let my family know before anyone else?

Is it that important to tell my boss and colleagues? Am I bi? When is the proper time to date? What do I need to know about the guy I’m interested in?

Are all the hot guys straight or taken? Is that stud boyfriend material? What’s the perfect outfit? How am I supposed to ask a guy out?

Should I start with random dates and then look for a longterm relationship? Do I want kids with this guy?

and the story goes on and on, if you look carefully many of those questions come to anyone’s mind gay or straight so it’s not a gay issue. Even when you get passed all those things, you start your family, have the perfect guy, have a kid or two, find a job and all those things many people dream of there is always a “but” or an “if only”

He’s a good guy but he smokes. If only he wanted sex as much as I did.

He has a decent job but he doesn’t like sharing the bills. He’s not that bad but he’s be more handsome with more defined abs.

If only I dated that doctor guy. If only he had a yacht.

and it’s the same old story there, whining wife, bored husband, low income….. the end? well break up! Even divorce in some states.

So here I am, listening to my may-be-future-in-law complaining about his parents not accepting his boyfriend or claiming they are too young to marry or settle for a long term relationship or whatever.

Parents are parents, to be honest I can understand them to some extent, they love their kid and worked hard to embrace their gay son, that’s the farthest they can go for now. Marriage? Commitment? That’s a lot.

Many parents freak out hearing their teenage girl knocked up by some random guy from school. It definitely is not the future they plan for their offspring so it’s not that hard to imagine how they would feel when some random guy sweeps their only child off his feet. Not only making him move hundreds of miles away but ask for their blessing. This is not the big plan, not even close to it. So as a parent I can see why they are so against it.

My brother-in-law is a good kid, honest, fun and cute. That’s where all the good things end, he’s not responsible and definitely a dreamer completely relying on his brothers.

This won’t work. I know I’ve said it a lot and they proved me wrong by staying together over two years, still being someone’s boy friend is one thing, being a life time partner is another story.

I’m so not gonna help them because

1. I agree with P’s parents

2. K2 is totally irresponsible and you can never count on him

3. A 23 year-old-man acting like a moody teenager is not the kind of person you can rely on

4. P can do a lot better. K2 is my brother-in-law and I love him dearly BUT he’s such an arrogant brat.

5. I’d rather have A back with us, having limited sex in the bedroom than have P here whining all day and having no sex at all! (I’m only being a wuss!)

So no more queers, can I talk to a straight couple for a while. All these gay people make me sick! (Homophobic hormones kicking in!)

Randomly

“There are different kinds of theft, this is one of them, I’m borrowing this from K :-D”

The excruciating boredom is so unbearable I
can feel the useless parts of my existence turn
into chunks and suffocate the life running
through my veins.
I choke on the sob blocking my airway, even
another deep breath can’t help me much.
“To be or not to be ?”
The silly meaningless question that good-for-nothing
Hamlet guy asked centuries ago.
I look at the thick wall built around me.
“Survival” the basic need for most beings.
“To live or not to live?”
Thousands of people are struggling against ugly
diseases on hospital beds.
“To end or not to end?”
Thousands of people are starving and still
desperately looking for a morsel of dirt to sooth
their hunger.
“To breathe or not to breathe?”
Thousands of children are holding wooden guns
in their bony hands to protect their younger
siblings.
“To stop or not to stop?”
Thousands of people are facing natural
disasters this very moment.
I’m choking, it’s ending and no one is stopping
this silly vicious circle.
“To die or not to die?”
Please blow my life candle, this numbness is
appalling my apathy and this apathy is fueling
my anthrophobic thoughts!

Sleeping with the EX!

The decision was made by those in charge so I’m left behind to look for somewhere that is close to K’s work-place and A’s school. Of course it must have a good view and spacious bedrooms. I found 2 apartments that quite looked affordable and the neighborhood seemed friendly enough for a gay family. Obviously it’s not quite the kind of place I want to live in and not somewhere that I can find a proper job. Sometimes I think moving to New York can’t be much of a bad idea but then we can’t really afford the luxury of such a big city.

I keep on looking then when K & A are back we can go together.

This morning I got a call from my sister, not that I hadn’t talked to her recently or I didn’t expect to hear from her, it was just too early and I was in deep sleep.

Being a woman and faulty like the rest of them she gave me a full report of the funeral with all her wrong assumptions. The worst was about K. From what she said I thought we made the best decision of K and A going together. The picture of a perfect family with the couple mourning silently and the kid trying to figure out what the big fuss was about. Some people can’t understand the definition of death for a 6-yr old kid is very different from all the surrounding adults. Her grandfather’s gone. That’s all. She will cherish the memories later but for now she may think he’ll be back or he’s somewhere out there. She has no idea what’s wrong with all those people expressing their condolence to her shocked mom who can’t even cry or to her dad that looks like shit as if it was his own father he lost. (But we all know he looks like shit naturally :-D)

I’d heard all of this but G told me something new. “Did you know K slept with M?”

I was like, WTF! Are you talking about my K? Sleep with as in sharing the same bed for just sleeping or as in having sex?

Apparently people talk and they are sooooooooooo stupidly blind. Those non-existent relatives who had no idea who fathered M’s sweet girl, at last met the guy in flesh and decided to open their ugly mouths and gossip. How can two people who have nothing in common get back together? Were they blind to see that simple ring around K’s finger?

I almost burst out laughing at how my very own sister believed such meaningless words. On a scale of 1-10, I give 13 to K for being gay. The guy hasn’t used his cock and hasn’t been intimate with a woman for so long that I doubt he can remember how a man and woman can have sex (EEWWWW).

Still I can’t blame them, they saw the three of them going to the very same bedroom because there weren’t any rooms left for K and A to sleep in; however I know the rest of the story since I was the one talking to my emo husband until 3:00 AM, lying on his hotel room trying to cry himself to sleep and worrying me to death.

Last night he was so unstable I would have gone and hugged him if I could, just to protect him from his demons.

This morning I’m only waiting for them to come back. This funeral was the last straw for K, he hit the bottom head first and now he’s bouncing his way up. I called him after talking to my sister and he sounded hoarsely better. The smart ass bunny was back with his dark sarcasm making fun of some silly relatives of M.

It seems life can get a little normal for us. Probably it’s time for me to throw some of these rocks into the ocean and move on!

Is the decision mine?

This roller coaster has no brakes so I’m enjoying the downfall right now. When will it slow or stop or start moving up…. I have no idea!

So the current situation is this:
A’s grandfather is almost dead, it’s not even the case of when or who unplug his life, it’s a matter of arranging stuff!
K’s heading to Denver in a day or two, meanwhile I stay here and go apartment hunting.
That’s plan A.
Plan B is about letting A see her grandfather for the last time. The last image of him would be an old sick dying body on a hospital bed with many machines making frightening sound.
In that case I have to drive all the way to NY and pick her up then jump on the first available flight.
Plan C, well I go with K and let A stay with her uncles. But I don’t like this one and I have a few reasons. The most important one is that I’ll be the other guy, the guy who is fucking her ex. Imagine a funeral with all the heads turning to your way and the throng whispering eewww he’s the EX, poor girl, not only she lost her dead but also the disgusting ex’s fuck buddy is here too. That’s so unacceptable.

So here I am deciding for people who did me no wrong.
Should I let K go on his own and worry myself to death because he’s a tiny step away from losing his sanity?
Should I let A say goodbye to her beloved and only grandfather and suffer the last image or let her cherish the old memories of the lively happy him?
Should I accompany K and make his ex suffer more than necessary?
………
I wonder if any of those are my decision to take?!